Dear Leader Calls in Reinforcements; Brainwashing Evident

by Lane Bankins, Editor

Monday marked a momentous date on the history of our mother school. During recess, which our Dear Leader has so graciously given us, a significant portion of the student body held hands. For all about two minutes. Then they relocated to more camera-friendly positions. This rally then continued in giant follow-the-leader circles all around campus. Unity.

News of the "scandal" last week has traveled as far off from America as the Daily Mail in the U.K. and even further to the Huffington Post. The negative light in which this event has been portrayed has confused many people.

One way it has been twisted is that two men holding hands being a punishment implies that the principal was relying on homophobic feelings to make this punishment. It isn't just the Press who think this is ridiculous. Some gays in our community have recognized the media spin for precisely what it is. A gay parent began a petition that received almost a thousand signatures, and one gay student at Westwood said regarding this:

I didn't even think about it that way at all until some other students and the media brought it up. It didn't run through my mind at all.

Brilliant. It's your fault. If anyone gets upset over this, and possibly make rash decisions, let it be known that it is the fault of those same people trying to "prevent" it that they do so.

But that isn't even the worst part. Throughout this rally at least four police squad cars were spotted. But why did our Dear Leader think it necessary?

The Dear Leader calls in the fuzz.

We at the Press are in favor of our Dear Leader's removal, though we are not in favor of his removal on the grounds of his actions regarding this punishment, and the school district has confirmed that he will not be receiving any disciplinary as a result of this event. We would like to propose that our Dear Leader has set up this entire thing. He planned to get a lot of negative media attention, all in a scheme to garner support from his subjects, just as he has. With more devout followers our Dear Leader will be more able to go on to bigger, more drastic, measures.

What lies in store for us at Westwood, no-one knows.

Our guess is death camps.

Dear Leader Does Something Sensible for Once, MPS Board Full of Idiots

by Neil Dewar, Editor-in-Chief

Yesterday, two students fought at Westwood High School. The security guard broke them up, and as punishment, they were given the option to either the nein, nein, nein days' suspension our Dear Leader (Dr. Richard) promised us all or to sit and hold hands for an hour. As you can obviously tell from the image, they chose the latter. The person who suggested this was none other than our Dear Leader (who evidently wasn't going to be that strict about suspending everyone for nein days). Since then, images of the event have evidently gone viral, and the incident has made ABC and CBS.

Now, we at the Free Press will be the last to laud anything our Dear Leader does. Or actually, would be, if a representative from the school board hadn't said this:

Mesa Public Schools is dedicated to maintaining a safe and supportive learning environment. The district has guidelines for appropriate student discipline and our site administrators have the authority to impose consequences within our policies and regulations.

The district does not condone the choice of in-school discipline given these students, regardless of their acceptance or willingness to participate. District leadership will address this matter with the school principal and review district protocol regarding student discipline with all administrators.

Evidently some feel this punishment was derogatory towards homosexuals and our wonderful school board has suddenly grown so wonderfully receptive to the sensitivities of these enlightened folks. We at the Press would like to venture forth the theory that this is absolute bullshit.

The only reason the district even cares (or, more accurately, the only thing they care about) is because this incident has received so much publicity, with the images spreading so far apparently some in other states have seen them. And so the district must appease the idiots who are crying foul over this incident, like the cowards they are.

It is quite odd some people seem to think this is anti-homosexual. Since when did hand-holding become something to do with sexuality? That puts an entirely more grotesque twist on parents holding their children's hands. Ironically, these crusaders for 'tolerance' have become as puritanical as those they claim to oppose.

There are those who complain the punishment is embarrassing. Well... yes. But really, it's not as if the students were forcibly locked in a stockade with people throwing tomatoes at them. They made a choice, in the same way they made the choice to fight each other. And if public humiliation is too terrible of a punishment, they could always have chosen the alternative. You know. The nein days' suspension we were all explicitly and repeatedly warned about fifty thousand times or so.

Where Did Our Dear Leader 'Earn' His Degree?

by Neil Dewar, Editor-in-Chief

We know little of our elusive principal. We know he used to serve in the U.S. Air Force, but other than that, we know almost nothing else. At the time of this writing, he has not yet created a web page with his biography on the Westwood High School site. Maybe he hasn't had time? Or maybe, maybe he has something to hide.

But despite this, the intrepid reporters at Gabriel's Horn dug up a scoop on our Dear Leader. As many of our readers know, our Dear Leader fashions himself with the prefix of 'Dr', which means he must have some doctorate degree. In the case of our Dear Leader, 'Dr' Timothy Richards, he holds a master's degree and a doctorate from Jones International University, as Mesa Public Schools has mentioned in a brief press release on new principals.

Tim Richard earned his bachelor's degree in secondary education from Arizona State University. He received his master's and doctorate in educational leadership from Jones International University. Richard is a U.S. Air Force veteran and a former principal of Globe High School.

What is Jones International University? Despite its prestigious-sounding name, none of the staff at Gabriel's Horn have ever heard of such a school. But a quick search found the website of the school where our Dear Leader received two of his degrees. Jones International University is a for-profit, on-line university, head-quartered in the very international area of Centennial, Colorado. Yes, our Dear Leader has himself a master's degree and a doctorate from an on-line school.

Why has our Dear Leader not shared this fact with us? Is he afraid we might ridicule him for his credentials? In any event, by doing this, he has outed himself as someone who wishes to hide something. Who knows what else our Dear Leader is hiding from us?

Ignorance is Power; Regime Uses New Methods

by Lane Bankins, Editor and Neil Dewar, Editor-in-Chief

The fascist regime has instituted a new method of note-taking at Westwood to ensure we remain ignorant and easily manipulable.  This new method achieves this by using students' precious time in asking easily answerable questions in the "Cue Column" area, then answering those questions down below in the "Summaries" section.  Not only does this waste time, but it also wastes space, causing paper to be wasted as more of it is used up needlessly, contributing to the environmental destruction of the world.  Overall this method, supposing lines are drawn correctly (if not, even more space may be wasted), wastes almost 40 square inches of space per side of paper, leaving only 54 square inches for the use of note-taking.

The regime also claims that with repeated repetitions, knowledge retention increases.  Not only is this an insult to our intelligence, it is a blatant set up for their excuse to repeat in our senior classes the same things we learned as sophomores!

They claim more than nein repetitions of any subject will result in almost perfect retention, repeating continuously it was important to get more than nein repetitions of a subject more than nein times, stressing the importance of more than nein repetitions for acceptable retention. Evidently the new regime believes we have the attention span of the citizens in "Harrison Bergeron" after only two weeks of rule.

How Many Days OSS for Fighting?

by Neil Dewar, Editor-in-Chief

The new regime has picked an interesting number days for out-of-school suspension for a first time offence of fighting.

Dear Leader Distributes Propaganda Video; Chocolate Ration Has Been Increased to 20 Grammes

by Gabriel's Horn Free Press Staff

Today, our dear leader has presented us with a lovely video regarding the rewards for cooperating under the new regime. Well, we hate to break this to you, mein Führer, but we are not Vichy Frenchies. Unlike the Frenchies, we do not surrender after an invasion lasting only a week longer than the invasion of Poland, despite the fact that the Frenchies were much more numerous and well-equipped than the Poles and the fact that the Poles never actually surrendered. We are Warriors, and we will reclaim the motherland!

Your crude attempts at propaganda have only furthered our agenda of supplying the unfiltered, unadulterated truth. And sometimes that agenda requires supplying hilariously out of context photos which make you appear to be in some kind of fascist pose, and sometimes it requires supplying photos with a Charlie Chaplin moustache edited onto your face.

Just imagine him yelling 'Nein!' right about now.

Unser Führer receives news of the capture of Paris.
Presumably a photo op is in short order.

Dear Leader Implies Westwood is Not Great, Makes Music Gaffe

by Neil Dewar, Editor-in-Chief

Our Dear Leader and new principal of Westwood High School gave us a grand farewell speech for the weekend. While the speech was a generic one expectable of a generic fascist autocrat, our Dear Leader either made a gaffe or revealed something about how he really feels about our school.

During the speech, our Dear Leader mentioned something he may have possibly already said several times earlier in the week. Our Dear Leader wants to 'make Westwood great again'. Evidently our Dear Leader does not currently believe our school is currently great.

This declaration is similar to those made by several politicians, such as ones made by Rick Perry to 'make America great again'. And we are just as outraged to hear our Dear Leader imply Westwood High School is no longer great as we are to hear a supposedly America-loving politician imply America is no longer great.

In addition to this possible gaffe (it may be what unser Führer genuinely believes), he also closed his pseudo-inspirational speech with Bruce Springsteen's 'The Rising'. Here it is for our readers unfamiliar with the song:



Now, we at the Press find no fault with Springsteen. Springsteen is an excellent paragon of the American ethic. No, we find fault with our Dear Leader's use of this particular song, and if you know the meaning behind this song, it will be evident. Here are some of the lyrics:

Can't see nothin' in front of me
Can't see nothin' coming up behind
I make my way through this darkness
I can't feel nothing but this chain that binds me
Lost track of how far I've gone

How far I've gone, how high I've climbed On my back's a sixty pound stone
On my shoulder a half mile of line
[...]
Left the house this morning
Bells ringing filled the air
Wearin' the cross of my calling
On wheels of fire I come rollin' down here
[...]

Now, this song (along with the rest of Bruce Springsteen's album The Rising) is about 9/11. Specifically, if you take a look at the lyrics, it's about a fireman in 9/11. The refrain, 'Come on up for the rising', could be either or both the fireman ascending a tower and him ascending to the afterlife.

Congratulations, mein Führer. You used a song quite possibly about a fireman dying during 9/11 to end your pseudo-inspirational speech. Classy.